AHHHH, there’s nothing like a good old-fashioned airport love story to brighten your day.
Just think: the stage is set. Fate is waiting. A man stands clumsily at the departure gate, sweating in his slightly-oversized suit as he clutches a wilting bouquet of carnations.
Soon, his beloved object of desire will pass by unknowingly. She’ll abruptly see him, they’ll both realise their separation was a huge mistake, and they will embrace, have an instant fairytale wedding and live happily ever after.
Yeah nah, that’s a load of crap.
From that creepily-mature, will-definitely-be-a-stalker-in-later-life kid in Love Actually, to the famous “I got off the plane!” Ross-Rachel scene in the Friends finale, Hollywood has frequently depicted airports as the most romantic place to be.
But one poor bloke has discovered the hard way that reality is a slightly different story.
Twitter user @kitloveface put out a series of tweets detailing an airport story gone wrong. Let’s break down this tragic tale bit by bit.
OK, so, it all started when – determined not to be doomed to a lifetime of KY and Kleenex – he decided to run to the airport to declare his love for a Canadian woman who was leaving.
From the get-go, things did not go well.
Like, for heaven’s sake mate. You’ve prepared this enormous gesture, and you don’t even know what bloody exit you’re supposed to be at. No wonder this girl is leaving. She probably stuck it out for as long as she could before evidently deciding that Canadian men might at least be more punctual and efficient at understanding basic directions in avian hubs.
Seriously, who stands there reading the same page of a book over and over again, while shifting his eyes uncomfortably around for TWO HOURS? You could have at least brought a real book to read. Or filmed the interaction on Facebook Live like most people do in this day and age. And by calling her, you just ruined the whole surprise. She’s now thinking, “Urgh, a nice Canadian man would never ruin the whole surprise! He’d show up to the right part of the airport!”, while fantasising about Justin Trudeau.
Well, you were standing there for two hours.
DUDE. SHE’S GONE THROUGH SECURITY. THERE IS NO TURNING BACK NOW. NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BACKPEDAL. DO YOU EVEN LOVE THIS GIRL? DO YOU EVEN LOVE YOURSELF? DO YOU EVEN LOVE THE CLEARLY-MISGUIDED HOLLYWOOD AIRPORT SCENES YOU WATCHED FOR HOURS IN PREPARATION FOR THIS MISERABLE EVENT?
That’s such a Ross thing to do. We’re now wondering if this is a deleted scene from the Friends finale.
Did you also once have a pet monkey named Marcel?
OK, so we’re fast-forwarding a bit. They stopped talking after she moved. Now, in this wonderful digital world of ours where everybody is switched on and you can Skype someone 10,000km away in a second, this was clearly deliberate. She wanted nothing to do with him, and he was clearly too socially inept to do anything about it.
Lookie here! A second chance! For what it’s worth, meeting up with an ex is never a good idea. We all know it’s basically one huge, fiery battle for moral superiority.
But if you do decide to do it, why on earth would you go to a place called ‘Black Heart’? Like, how depressing. “Oh hey Tiffany (her name wasn’t specified, but she sounds like a Tiffany), I’d love to meet up! I’ll see you tonight at the BLACK HEART pub. I think the BLACK HEART is in Camden. You’d know exactly where it is anyway. Because you have a BLACK HEART of your own! Hmm? HMM?”
And, surprise surprise...
It’s as if all the love you were anticipating at the beginning of this romantic airport tale has just seeped out faster than bitter oil can be squeezed from a rag.
Would anyone else reading this feel a bit put-off if their spouse-to-be randomly met up with their ex right before their wedding day? No? Just me? OK.
Oh right! Her name was Kate, not Tiffany. Sorry. Actually, no, let’s continue calling her Tiffany. It’s still more plausible than Kate.
Poor Tiffany. This is the most depressing wedding announcement in the history of wedding announcements. With the possible exception of Britney Spears and Jason Alexander.
On second thought, this trumps Brit and Jase. Creep-o-metre just went sky-high.
To be fair – props to K̶i̶t̶ Ross for his honesty. It certainly beats the misleading bliss that’s been deceiving us on the big screen for decades.
If we’ve learnt anything from this sad tale, it’s this: romance never goes the way you expect it to, and at times you will be left with nothing but a depressing result.
But on the plus side, even the most tragic experiences can be fashioned into damn good stories. And for that, @kitloveface, we salute you.