WHAT do you do when the guy you anonymously married on a TV show invites his ex to your wedding? You make a scene, repeatedly growl at the bar tender for Jack Daniel’s and declare the wedding “dead to me”.
On Wednesday night’s episode of Married At First Sight, we witness the wedding of Craig and Andy in New Zealand. And while Craig is instantly in love with Andy, the feeling isn’t quite mutual. Especially when Andy is faced with Craig’s sassy champagne sippin’ ex.
But first, the ceremony.
Once Craig makes it down the aisle and meets Andy, Studio 10’s Jessica Rowe begins the ceremony.
She actually doesn’t know what to say — so she just repeats the word “wow” over and over in various pitches and volumes. And she does it all in a New Zealand accent.
The boys start to question her hairstyle and competence.
Believe it or not, a bigger issue starts to bubble to the surface — and I’m not talking about New Zealand Jessica Rowe’s five layers of spray tan.
While Craig says Andy is totally his type, the feeling isn’t mutual.
“There’s no massive physical chemistry,” Andy tells us. “With Craig and I right now ... He’s typically not the person I’d usually go for.”
But Craig isn’t aware of this and, during their wedding photos, repeatedly tries to tongue Andy.
As subtly as he can, Andy pivots his entire face and body away from Craig and his tongue.
Craig doesn’t take the hint and continues to latch onto Andy’s body like a koala.
Andy’s personality can turn on a dime and, after a few minutes of complaining about Craig touching his butt, he decides he now likes Craig.
But that changes again when they roll up to the reception. Walking around the room meeting each others’ friends, Craig introduces Andy to someone with such excitement you’d think the special guest was Clint Eastwood’s hot son. But it isn’t Clint Eastwood’s hot son. It’s his ex of 13 years.
Needless to say, Andy is a tad threatened. But he disguises it really well by storming out of the room and doing an angry piece-to-camera.
“Craig and I are getting along really well all day. But then he introduced me to one of his guests. And that guest turned out to be his ex-boyfriend,” he growls.
“The fact that he invited that guy to the wedding ... That’s really shocking to me. Really shocking to me. They were together for 13 years. And this is our day. I never thought Craig would be so frivolous as to invite one of his exes to the first day of the rest of our lives. I felt really hurt. I felt everything I’d done and said and been a part of today was dead to me.”
He then drags his mate to the bar to throw around more outrage.
“I think it’s a complete betrayal,” he says. “I wouldn’t do that, I could’ve done that, I wouldn’t.
“I’m out. I’m out. I think it’s a deal breaker.
“Scuse me is there any chance of a Jack Daniel’s please?” he demands of the bar tender.
“Shut up. Just shut up. Jack Daniel’s and coke please,” he says again, brushing off his mate’s attempt to calm him down. “F*ck off.”
Suddenly, Craig receives his JD and coke and his feelings about Craig flip again. He decides it’s been “the most amazing day” of his life and becomes enamoured with Craig.
While Craig doesn’t really understand what went down, he continues his mission to rub up against Andy before his personality flips once more.
“I can’t wait ‘till all the cameras are off,” he whispers to Andy. “I want to ****.”
Back in Sydney, Dave and Jess aren’t feeling as intimate.
“Definitely awkward and we kept our distance ... It’s totally awkward,” Jess says later.
It doesn’t really occur to them that maybe standing together instead of in two separate backyards might minimise the awkwardness.
But, once they start standing within a kilometre of each other, they begin to bond and enjoy each other’s company. And by that, I mean Dave sees Jess’ boobs.
And in Brisbane, Bella and Michael aren’t having bonding issues. At the reception, Bella tries to give herself a personality by going all Byron Bay and pulling some junky crystals out of her purse and talking about how the ocean and the moon energise them.
Michael tries to relate to Bella’s interest but just ends up getting smutty.
“I have a pretty massive Himalayan salt lamp,” he brags.
“Awesome,” Bella replies dreamily.
But a word of warning, Bella. I’ve also gone home with guys who claim to have a “massive Himalayan salt lamp”. And most of the time, they’re lying.
Always ask for pictures. That’s all I’m saying.
For more observations on guys with big Himalayan salt lamps and Jessica Rowe, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir.
Married At First Sight continues Monday at 8.30pm on Nine.